Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Mary Beth Abel's LiveJournal:

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Monday, November 30th, 2009
5:54 pm	A Record of the Wedding Day, November 14, 2009 This day began a while ago. With an email on one side of an event. Then, a chance conversation on a bench. Then, another email and then a whole wonderful intense exchange of them. Then, the universe worked some kind of amazing magic, and I suddenly found myself free, unbelievably free, to travel to Seattle to check some things out. But, honestly, I think this shift in my life happened when one night I was going to bed in a bunk in my sleeping bag at Camp Caravan. At that moment, I accepted that I was happy and that I had happiness. There was a sense of peace. Something about that acceptance was a great aid to causing a new journey to begin. I arrived in Seattle for the first time on this journey in September 2007. It was good, then I wasn’t sure, then I found that I needed space. Then, it was good again. Reaching beauty. Then, I was heading home sharing a plane ride and my life story with a drunk, loud man who poured advice on me. As entertaining and as interesting as he was, I took none of it. A prayer for me. As much as experiences leave me aware of my imperfections and cringing at them and wishing (crying, sometimes) unrealistically for them not to be there, I find that in spite of it all I am surrounded by layers and layers of love. I can create spaces of happiness that is not forced where people can be—eat, play, dance, and love each other. I may not fully appreciate what I’m given…but I know I can let the givers give and be at peace with that. So, there was this morning in Sept 2007 when I had told Taylor to go back to his apartment (leaving me alone in his new condo). So, I could be alone and give the appearance that he and I were not together. But, when was this? Did I have him leave early in the morning? I think so (based on looking over old journals). While alone, I communicated with the universe. I asked for help that it would all work out. The decision to move and setting of the date happened when I called Taylor coming back from SC for my high school reunion in late September. I was sitting in the airport and it all came together. So, the day I communicated or connected with the universe. I was sitting on Taylor’s rug. There was no furniture. I used a flattened cardboard box as a surface I could eat on without getting things messy. I looked out at Ballard. It was its usual cool white-gray with hints of sun. Then, yesterday morning (11/14/09). I woke up and began organizing for the day. I have to do these things. Taylor sleeps on. After some organizing and last minute email—after eating a whole chocolate bar and while drinking black coffee— I went to the couch. While doing a sitting, the early morning went from gray to sunshine that swept over me. I took some pictures in an attempt to capture my corner, where I live, and the beauty of the fall leaves on some of the street trees, the mixture of residential places and places of business. I saw a familiar site. The crammed full grocery cart of a homeless person. Ballard absorbs its homeless characters and provides food by way of easily accessed soup kitchens and places to sleep (doorways, the park near us). So, I felt I began in this one place and now was back. I had made a good journey. From there, I dashed about and got myself showered and ready to leave for the nail place across the street. Got a French manicure (had one earlier in the week, too, for the photoshoot with Ingrid), but these things just don’t last. It was quiet in the shop. I chatted a bit with the woman doing my nails, but then she took a phone call. While on the phone she completed the rest of the interaction with me, which included waving me over to the pedicure station so that she could touch up my toe nails, too. From that moment on that cold morning, I wore flip flops. Taylor drove over and parked in a good place, a place where I could wave him in and not bang my hands on anything. He came in and took my bags, and I successfully made it over to the brunch place without damage to the newly done nails. Unusual for me and thanks, I thought, to my good choice in a mate. We met up with my family, Kelly S, Stephanie U and her son A, Veronica and G. My nephew H was at the end of the table with his Harpoon brewery hat tightly on his small head (a gift from my cousin AS who is a rep for the company). H was doing his thing – stirring his beverage thoroughly and then licking the juice-covered utensil. I made a comment that he might grow up to be a bartender. Lots of food (not super great, but filling) and lots of good chatter with the folks. I ordered a cinnamon roll, the fruit plate, and scrambled eggs. The cinnamon roll was ridiculously big but short on tasty frosting. The eggs could have been made with more TLC. Oh well. The company was great. I felt great as we left to check on the status of our wedding clothes, but TS was experiencing some stimulus overload, maybe, and a headache. At KF’s, she was working on sewing buttons and such. We waited and chatted, but it didn’t look like she was going to be done soon. She waved us away. Leaving her place, TS noticed that RF had sent wedding well wishes to him, and cc’ed JB, CG, and TG. At that moment, I was overcome and tears got me. It felt good at that moment to get support from far away. I needed it then. Especially since the wedding clothes were still in progress. We headed to Archie M to see if I could find glow-y things for the kids who would be in attendance. The place was a zoo and not so good for TS I, thought. So, we left. Back at the condo, I rushed off to buy things for the kids at the dollar store. That $44—on glow necklaces and two pairs of glow glasses, two wands, and mardi gras beads--ended up being very well spent! Back at the condo, I checked out the goods, put them in a gift bag, set is all aside in the “take to the wedding” pile. Then, I practiced our wedding dance in front of TS while he sat under a blanket with tea, his book, and his knit hat nearly over his eyes. He said he followed what I was doing well enough. I bounce around. Then, it was time for him to take me to Will’s for hair-doing. From there TS went back to KF’s for the wedding outfits. A bit later, I got a text message that he was still waiting on things! But he did finally escape with the dress and felt good about that! I had to wait a bit for Will to finish up with another person. In time, he had me half rolled and with the other half of my hair sticking out from the side of my head. I got thirsty, so called my brother at the MarQueen (across the street) to see if he would bring me something. He did – iced tea with sugar packets! Very nice! V and G showed for some primping, but I wasn’t done yet. They came back later. Will and I talked about high school things, I think. He mentioned that he had done wrestling. There are a number of trophy’s in his shop. I asked about those – they were bought by his partner at an estate sale. After the hair, Will did my makeup. He’s a careful guy about this task. He kept patting and holding my face to make sure the makeup was blended in well. At about 3:45 PM, KF showed up with TS’s suit. Then, around 4 PM, TS showed up to take me home. My hair was bouncy and I had my makeup…I was “done up”…it’s always hard to not want to just mess it all up so that you feel like yourself. I had to resist doing that. I left Will with V and G. Off we went, almost forgot the suit that KF had hung up for us, too. At home, we both had to rush…I really hated having to do that, but we had planned on being at the Canal at 4:30 PM. I had put our sexy clothes for the ride over and all else was ready. TS put on the suit in its completed form for the first time. We noticed some bumpy places on the suit and decided to iron…argahhhh. I was running around half dressed. Then, during a moment of running from one end of the condo to the other, DGn called to let me know that the folks at the florist told her that no one had paid. I had forgotten to follow up on that, but also knew the florist had been low key about paying before the wedding. Anyway, being a wonderful person and well…just wonderful…DG paid for the flowers and brought them to the Canal. Unfortunately, when she told me what the situation was, I yelled “f*%$!” in her ear on the phone. Sorry D! At some point, I think I actually keeping count of how many times I was saying “f*%$!” But, the suit got pressed. While I was doing that, TS was schleping stuff (like the lighted tree arbor) down to the car…in his fancy duds. We forgot that it might have been a better idea to do that before getting dressed. But, soon, I looked at the clock and realized that we just had to go…period…there was zero time left for more pressing or anything. So, in sexy clothes, and with my wedding dress in a bag, and wearing my new orange coat with an off-white, diaphanous, silk scarf from my grandmother, I think, and with a new orange purse, we were off. It was terrible to feel so rushed. TS and I had decided to place attention in our left hand as we remembered to do that. That helped. And then we were leaving the garage and driving off. Attention in the left hand. I also thought quite a bit about things like…”oh please, don’t let us get in an accident.” Actually, my main concern, which I reminded myself of as much as possible (so as to keep agony over silly details at bay) was that everyone arrive safely and that they be well for the event and that safe departures and safe journeys home happen too. This, I’m humbly and blessed to say, happened. And then we arrived. It was dark. The day had some sun in the beginning, but the day was mostly chilly and gray. We left our orange car in a good spot. I wondered if it would get jazzed up by the night’s end, but it was left alone. Arrival. My aunt and uncle and cousin were there. I was in a slightly frantic mode trying to get things in order. Here’s a point where I will say that a hired wedding planner is a good thing. It’s just too much to do it yourself. And this time around, my loved ones (friends and family) were either participating too much in the wedding already or they had small children. So, an outsider would have been very good here. Anyway, somehow, I got dressed …all while Genevieve was bouncing and running around. The lighting and mirror in the dressing area where terrible, I had no idea how I looked. Then came some frantic rushing to make sure everyone had their flowers. A rough moment when it looked like my dad didn’t have a boutonniere (gees, this is a rough word to spell). Then, we were working with Ingrid in the very cold patio area that was dark. Hopefully, the pictures came out. I was very tense and it was hard to feel relaxed in that space. And trying to get folks to do things and organize. Good times for the left hand. And I did my best to lose the tension and be free. Ingrid had also said something at the photoshoot earlier in the week – that during a hard shoot she forgives herself and does her best to get through it. What else can you do. Then, we did a group shot that was sort of fun. I was sitting down near the front, but not really sitting because I didn’t want to get wrinkles on my rear end. Then, it was obvious that effort to keep early comers away (as in before 6) were not so humane because some folks were coming from far away and it was cold outside. I had placed M as the usher at the door. He was cool about things, as hectic as it was. But, I’m sure he has good stories regarding his role. He did take the time…and this was a bit of a godsend…to say to me “And you look [something] by the way.” Not sure what the complimentary word was, but it was very nice. Then, we were done with formal pictures! Taylor went and got his long coat so that I could wear it heading from the patio to the backroom and through all the guests. CG said that TS entered the room where the guitarists were in a funny way, sort of disconnected, I guess. My hero! The coat came. And I rushed to the backroom muttering, “look away … look away” to the guests. By this time, we had a judge and the wedding party. The guitarist all left to begin circulating for the audience. From the backroom (actually called the fireside room, I think), I could hear the circulations. But, the judge was speaking loudly so I began to worry that his voice was carrying. The wedding event person assured me that that wasn’t the case. We circled up and a number of instructions were tossed around. Just as everyone was leaving the room, it occurred to me to do a low to high cheer as was done by the OCGII. Too late. I had to enjoy the vision rather than the experience. It was just my dad and me in the back. We said I love you but at this point, it felt like the moment was pulling us along. We watched folks walk up to the front. I could hear Genevieve jumping down the stairs and then giggling on her way up to the front. Then, it was time for my dad and me. As we stepped out, I noticed Taylor’s watch and coat were out on a table. So, I told the wedding planner to move those out of the way to the back room. Then, we were walking as slowly as I could do. At the top of the steps, I did as much of a pan around the room as I could. I was beaming. Then, we were walking and I was trying to slow things down but my dad was walking fast. Again, the moment was pulling us along. As I looked to the front, I saw Taylor and we were together with that look. At the front, my parents stood to either side of me. I could hear Tony playing and was worried that we had walked up too fast for him to play his beautiful song. Then, the judge asked who gives this woman to this man. They said “We do.” And then I kissed them both and my dad handed my hand to Taylor. And then, I stepped up to the plate so to speak. Again, to feel connected, I tried to look around. Since I was facing Taylor, I felt I could only do look a little. I looked out and saw Jodie, Alfred’s wife. She was smiling and that was a huge support. In fact, there was a group standing. I learned later that the traffic had been terrible and people were late for that reason. But, they all made it in time to see us arrive at the altar. Dawnise told me she kept saying something like “don’t let us miss them at the altar”…and that didn’t happen. Everyone made it. The Judge began talking and I suddenly realized that it was difficult to look at the same person, even someone you love, for a long time. Or rather it’s a challenge to do that and have 100 other people look at you do that. I worried that the judge might be going on too long and other such things. I suppressed a couple of thoughts to say something funny out loud. I sent good wishes out to the audience. I looked at the judge and sent good wishes to him. I looked down at my flowers. I looked at Taylor. I placed attention in my body, my feet, the 60 point exercise came to me as something that I could do but it was fleeting. And yet, it was all about being with Taylor. The Judge went through the mountain story and the canoe story and the open heart story… as planned and as first presented at the Starbucks near Northgate Mall. He forgot to acknowledge folks who weren’t there, but everyone really seemed to like him. He got a number of thumbs up. Before we did the rings, I turned and gave my flowers to Veronica; I did this sort of comically by being a little silly as I turned. Taylor placed my ring – I startled a little because the diamond wasn’t showing on top. I went to fix it, but stopped myself. And during the vows, during the in sickness and health part, I began to cry. Gees. I’m crying now. There was a laugh during Taylor’s part because he thought the judge was still speaking and so he looked at the judge, but he did a point and said, “say it to her.” The judge announced us husband and wife and we kissed and hugged. Then, I remembered to get my flowers from Veronica. Then, I was walking back up the aisle with Taylor and crying. Darn! I saw R. James standing…I think he stood before everyone else, so I thought he was leading a standing ovation, something he is prone to do. And then I saw my Uncle Bob and locked eyes with him. That was great. Then, we were up the stairs and hustling to the back room. I was jumping up and down and cheering. People were very happy. The judge was happy. He continued his role with joking and such and giving us advice. He said something about choosing the person who signs first would be a mark for our marriage. I think I signed first…or maybe not. I can’t remember. We were officially married at 6:51 PM on November 14, 2009. We signed the papers. The wedding event planner brought us a sample of appetizers and some wine. Photos, etc. Then, we exited to meet and greet. I first met up with R. James and Dana. Very happy, fun to chat with them. They seemed to be both wearing pink. Then, I stopped and met up with Tizzy and Michael, who I didn’t recognize. Then, my aunt and uncle I think. I managed to say hi to Taylor’s family members, whom I’ve never met. Then, we were down on the main floor and I was talking to bunches of people and doing my best to not miss folks. Got into the Kelly, Mariss, Adam, scene for a bit – hilarious. Found Taylor I think at one point. Then it becomes blurry. The buffet was all ready to go and some folks jumped on board before we were in line. But, that was adjusted. Taylor and I went through…salad, a cheese thing with crackers, beans, mashed potatoes, salmon…Taylor and I thanked the server and chef and I thanked the beef carving station guy. Then, we bounded up to our seats. Sat down. Jay and Sue and my folks joined us. As I looked around everyone seemed really happy. That was a total joy for me. Here Christina took a video of Taylor and me while we ate and music played. It was a good vantage point sitting there. I could see that everyone was happy and having a good time. Henry (my nephew), Charlie (Taylor’s nephew), and Parker (a cousin) – all about 2 years – were running around and around, lapping the place. They would run down a ramp onto the dance floor and then hop up the stairs (the ones I had come down for the wedding), and then rush between the dining tables, and then begin all over again. The food was great, but I felt we needed to get up and about and meet people. So, Taylor and I made the rounds. Clinking glasses apparently means “kiss.” So we did that. The Valve people were at a couple of back tables and stayed there most of the night..I guess just drinking and talking. Another back table includes TTA people. Then, it seemed time for the toasting. Claire was instrumental in giving me the cue to let my dad speak first. He and my mom had worked on his speech for a while with practicing, etc. So, my dad went first and that was very sweet (minus the initial detour into political territory that I found mildly horrifying). Then, Taylor’s dad spoke and was pretty funny. He mentioned that as best man, he was in a predicament – hard to roast your son on his exploits (when you probably don’t know what they are). Then, I think R. James said something nice. Then, Steve Ball, I think went out on the floor claiming to have been nominated to do so. He said some really nice things in a short amount of time and then said, “Now, take this thing [the mic] away from me.” Then, I think Taylor’s aunt spoke about Taylor’s mom and that she had come because she felt close to her. The microphone did some squeals as she began to speak. Then, I think Holly L. referenced something I had told her during a facial (this is how I know her…I go to her to make sure I can stave off wrinkles). I said once that being with Taylor is like being with water – or relationship is that way with little resistance to each other, clarity, ease, and great comfort. Diana and Meleah pranced to the center of the room and also made a toast. Meleah mentioned that marriage wasn’t as hard as everyone was saying. Diana advised to find duality of being there for each other and allowing each other to grow independently. Then, I think Stani spoke about the fact that she and Greg (as well as Chris and Meleah) had been married by the same judge. And for that reason, we were all in the same canoe! Then, I spoke and got a bit choked up because I mentioned that Stephanie and Veronica and their kids had had to leave early – and that how happy I was to have been able to find good friends here in Seattle. I tried to mention the parts of the group (like Valve), but forgot to mention family. I passed the mic to Taylor, who then said, “What she said.” Then, everyone booed (while I kept whispering in his ear … mention our families!). So, he did that. Then, some desserts came out. I looked down at all of those pretty little things and wondered, “Where the heck is the carrot cake that I had specifically ordered?” It was nowhere! Oh well. We fed each other chocolate covered strawberries. Then, we did the first dance. The DJ, as expected had that cued up so that it began before we were really ready. And we botched a good deal of the choreography…but that isn’t captured in stills. So we have some moment shots that make it look like we knew what we were doing. And some shots where my dress is doing something nice. Then, the music got going and I was off. I danced the rest of the night…in between wondering why more people weren’t on the floor dancing. It’s challenging for me to turn off the sense of being hostess and an intense desire that everyone have a good time. But, mostly the dance floor was good and included adults and kids. Danced with my dad and my brother. Danced with Taylor. Some crazy dancing with Mariss. Mixing around. On the floor once dancing – getting down. Tony Geballe came to the dance floor when Prince played. Funk music seems to be the “catnip” for TTA people to dance. Never figured out what music would make Valve people dance…they rarely made it to the floor. A dance wedding game thing, cleared the floor entirely – it was a generations dance. It just seems like a faux pas to do that…when the dance floor is full. But getting couples out on the floor was nice. My parents, for example. They were the longest married (46 years)! Then, it was sort of slow and people disappeared due to kids, early Sunday morning flights, etc. Kelly and I tried out partner dancing to the Hustle – we’ll have to keep working on that. As folks left, I realized that we didn’t really have an end of party crew. And there was a bit of a lost opportunity because I had wanted folks to take home the bowls of flowers. Most went, nicely, to the Canal staff. At the very end it was just Taylor, me, and Mariss. There wasn’t much to do really, but it felt sort of bleh to be left alone like that. But, I kept telling myself that I wasn’t alone. Still, I cried…annoyed that I hadn’t figured out how to have more help at the end. Such is what happens when much of your crowd are parents or grandparents. We weren’t sure about tipping the DJ. He said it’s optional, so I gave him a $20 from my nice new purse and felt like it was the last expenditure for the event! At least for the pre-wedding and wedding event festivities. So! We said goodbye to Mariss…what a hero! What a great guy! We piled into Taylor’s orange Mazda with the gifts and such and headed to the condo. There, it took three trips to get it all up. I ended up stepping on my sash and ripping it off. Wah! In time, we hopped into bed and were happy. I woke up on Sunday morning around 8 AM so that I could call my family as they left town. Wish that they had been able to stay for the day. It seemed like a really nice day. I left Taylor still in bed and did a sitting of sorts. Then, I checked Facebook against good judgment, perhaps. But, there were many lovely posts and well wishes and pictures. It was so nice. But, somewhere along the way, I began to worry that I should have not had let W curl my hair so much. Not sure where that came from. But, I became all upset. Since then, I have realized that he did a super-amazing expert job on hair and makeup. I’m glad that I just let him do what he wanted to do…a good thing, good advice, to let professional do their professional thing. Then, I typed up some thoughts and began to feel better. I went back to bed. Taylor and I got up eventually and had cereal, juice, and coffee. Sat on the floor and opened our gifts. It was very nice and relaxing and happy. The most beautifully wrapped gift was from Patty and Dean (flowers were taped to the cover of the box which was covered in newsprint and painted with Japanese brush strokes). The most creative gift goes to Joel D. who gave us sidewalk chalk and a journal. And the other gifts, cards, and such were ever so nice. We ended up with two cards and two gifts with no cards. This led to some slight awkwardness as we tried to figure things out. But, then the mystery was solved. For the rest of the day, we puttered around. Then, we went to Café Flora for dinner, which was really great. I got a huge piece of carrot cake for dessert. Called my folks on the way over to the restaurant. They and everyone else had arrived safely home. Real mishaps…Spencer threw up on his dad right before the dinner. So, he and mom and kid had to go home (Taylor’s side of the family). Taylor’s relatives also got into a minor traffic accident arriving on Saturday morning. The, Mariss parked outside of the hotel lot and had his rental car window smashed and his ipod stolen. Most importantly, everyone arrived and made it home safely in spite of long distances and much to think about. Really the only non-perfect parts of a perfect evening were that I wish we had included more people or that the ones we had invited who couldn’t make it had made it. There are a lot of people I love out there and it was really challenging to know who to include. I struggled with this. But, in the end, I guess the people who were supposed to be there were. And a wedding planner…that would have been good to have. And letting Ingrid go wild. More practice with the first dance, maybe? And more time for the making of the wedding clothes. And we did our best …. and I’ve love to have a big party like that all over again.
Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
11:16 pm	Married! Just a quick post to say this. It is well. Taylor and I were married at 6:51 PM on Saturday, November 14, 2009 among a crowd of friends and family. Our judge was the Honorable Michael Hurtado who also happened to be the judge who married our friends G&SM and C&MG. Working on documenting the day, but it's slow going. Weddings and their events prior and after are quite dense events.
Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
7:10 pm	Flying time Need to recording the Raft Island course. The OCG II, and wedding planning. Today has been a nice day. The sun was here. My family tooled around Seattle on their own. I had a inspiration for getting over the bump on having a dress to wear. People and I seem less frantic. Money spent to secure the venue, faxed the contract. A hike to do that and go to the bank with Taylor. Work. Later in the afternoon, I got my nails done…in quiet. Now, waiting for Taylor to come home so that we can head to the airport and pick up Veronica and Genevieve! All seems well!
Saturday, October 24th, 2009
8:52 am	Beginning of the Raft Island course, writing from Ballard Behind again with this diary. Lots going on with wedding planning, work, guitar playing, belly dancing, locketing, editing, eating, sleeping, and tidying. Also, helping JB with a kids guitar circle -- 9 baby guitars and 9 kids. Kids are such strange creatures. At once off in some distant kid place, almost disconnected seeming as they figdet, but their brains are taking it all in and out of their mouths they say what's entirely correct. It's unreal. Met the judge at a starbucks last Sunday. A character. Turns out M and CG had him too. So, we all four will be entered into marriage with the canoe story. The fall in Seattle has been so beautiful...new england-y with all the colors. Struck by the beauty of the place on a walk across the Fremont bridge with a view of the canal, water, gold-yellow leaved trees. Well, gotta run. Guitaring to do! Off to Raft Island.
Wednesday, October 7th, 2009
8:00 pm	Backwards from Oct 5th October 5, 2009, Monday Up early for the sitting. It’s not dark out and cold. I wore my new hat and scarf, but I was still chilly. A nice sitting. A reminder that I had sent an email with some value. A nice walk back home, my new home! Errands on the way. Work and TS got up. Hanging with him some and I managed to bump my head! Work is off to a good beginning for the week. We have sunshine here in Seattle. October 4, Sunday Up early but feeling blah from a short circuit last night. But, soon that was better. Breakfast and then an hour-long phone call with a work colleague. Then, TS and I went to Goodwill for the umpteenth time and then over to the fashion designer for some details. Taylor tried on the shell of a suit made out of old, crazy fabric – it made him look a bit like a fashion icon from the 1970s. Then, we made a decision to head to Issaquah for Salmon Days – since the weather was so, so nice. A good drive. A bus to downtown, which was teeming with people. We tried some crab cakes first. Made our way through the huge crowds. The vendors were selling impractical things (fish plaques, logs carved into bears, kettle corn, etc). But, we did eventually find some tasty Indian sauces to buy and a hat and scarf for me. Our next meal stop was strawberry shortcake. Then, we were wowed by the salmon crowding the creek (and the people crowding in to see the salmon). The local hatchery makes sure that million plus salmon babies get to know the smell of Issaquah Creek and live to swim about it on their journey to the ocean and hopefully back again. Last food stop was at the Russian vendor where some Russians including two cute older ladies in kerchiefs were making food. I tried the veggis Perosky and Taylor got the Cossack (two baked red potatoes covered in yummy dill sauce). They cooked the fork with the potatoes so it was really an "only in Russia" fork and not even usable. Some efforts to find office furniture for me did not fair well, but Taylor got an iPhone. Grocery shopping. Home to rest. Some picture hanging. Ended the day with Taylor-made orange juliuses (jul-lee-eye?). October 3, Saturday Sitting, Open Circle, which included whizzing. Some lunch gathered. TS to rehearsal, me home to putter around. I observed myself launching into vacuuming, bathroom cleaning, and other tasks rather than other things I could have been doing. Wondered at that. Read and rested until TS came home. Seems like we did something else, not sure. Then, we got ready to go to a bellydance-related event. I was working the box office for a show. Some bellydancing and the featured act was R. and the Cveman (which for this show was one caveman). I was so impressed by the main act and their drumming skill, I spent a good deal of time wondering at what it takes to get that good. They were really incredible. R is interesting because you really don’t see doumbek players who are female, have their own CDs, instructional books, and who look American as apple pie (in a yogic kind of way). Here sidekick was a shirtless guy who hit the doumbek and the riq by pressing foot pedals, while he either played a large frame drum or a guitar. The music was very crisp and powerful. R. also played a neat stringed Persian instrument with a bow. After the show, I collected cash from CD sales, etc. Distracted a little by a social encounter that I spent time wondering about what to say, etc. Felt rather ungraceful about that. TS didn’t want to go to the after party, which seemed like a good idea, but I did want to go so I had to deal with my feelings about that. Both wanting to go and not wanting to go, the neurons fire out of whack, it’s late, and I’m in a pit of despair. Great silliness. October 2, Friday Stuff October 1, Thursday Call in am with work. Guitar lesson. Work. Second TTA show of the season. Pretty good, not as many people as last week. At Hi-Life, TS was feeling headachy and left early. September 30, Wednesday Work and such September 29th, Tuesday September 28th, Monday My parents 46th wedding anniversary. A good amount of work with the House Circle in the evening. We decided that we will record a midnight podcast performance and air it. Sunday, September 27th Hair appointments with Will, hairstylist to TTA. Shopping for bras for me. Saturday, September 26th Friday, September 25th Last day at the Lauren May. First official day as a resident of Unit 403. Thursday, September 24th Two years ago in 2007, I decided to move to Seattle.
Tuesday, September 29th, 2009
4:26 pm	Weekend before the big push to move (so just a week behind with blogging) A very nice weekend, 9/19 and 20 Friday – Cleaning, moving, etc; watched Man on the Wire Saturday – TTA A-framing the posters at Curt’s; Goodwill run, Hi-life for foods in the evening Sunday – Up early to move things, China, etc. Got TS up too. Much accomplished! The weather was beautiful. BD fun in evening. I was dancing a short choreography with two other women. The music was live; the small-statured oud player was there with the brown towel he places over his knee before resting his oud. The restaurant was basically a well-decorated cinder block and the Eritrean food was very good, the merlot was great! I was very happy dancing around in that environment after we performed and had food. Monday, 9/21 Kids and fire alarms Up for the sitting at CGs. Got some Melvin time. On the way back home, I was happily trekking down one street when I saw two small girls. One was crying. I stopped and asked where their mother was. I got a hard-to-follow story from the older, something about an uncle being asleep. I was really taken aback and began to process what I should do, call 9-1-1? As I was thinking and listening, I reached out for the one that was crying in an effort to comfort her, but then her head lifted, her eyes widened, and she yelled, “Mama!” The mother was pulling up the street in her car. Her face was clearly distressed to see her kids out and about unattended. The two girls ran after the car as it drove down the street to their driveway – they were like little ducklings. I wasn’t sure if I should follow them and interfere. I didn’t and walked on thinking that the mother must have run out for milk. The girls must have woken up and gone searching for her. Jeepers… The rest of the morning included being assaulted by fire alarm testing. Taylor got out his decibels reader. Work Interview with JB, our publicity effort for TTA, maybe we will get published Moving things Tuesday, 9/22 TS preps an OST for MB (for JB's kids guitar circle) Sitting Work Moving/cleaning/dust TS help Guitar strings Wednesday, 9/23 A nicely rounded day, very sunny, dinner of egg salad from SBuck's while listening to Mono Beetle's at CG's not bad Movers, work, some show planning with CG, TM, and CF. Thursday, 9/24 Season 8 begins Early call for work, guitar lesson, work, and prep for first show of Season 8 for TTA. Pretty good time and much less work than last season. Though I had one encounter that made me think that it was possible that I would need to bounce an audient – a rough thought since I’m no bouncer. Rest of the week and Friday A la move! More work interspersed with moving adventures during the week. I scheduled moving pros for Wednesday morning. They were speedy and moved some big things in an hour and a half. I found out that I could aim for getting out of my apartment by Friday. So, with a lot of effort, I did that. Taylor and I made last runs to Goodwill. Hauled over last bits. I cleaned which included arduous fridge cleaning…I didn’t use the fridge much. So, I think I was dealing with my effects as well as those of the tenants two years ago. Blegh. As I was finishing up, I remembered to think about attention in my right foot. I tried to remember to do that as I left – forgot. Tried to remember as I entered NoMa – forgot. Remembered for entry into TS’s condo. And remembered to think of the space overhead.
Thursday, September 17th, 2009
10:44 pm	The throes of changing things I’m in the full throes of wedding planning, packing up my stuff, working, and other things. I’ve been moving things to Taylor’s condo in bits and pieces. I think my contribution is making it look homey. I have an entire box with old letters and cards organized in file folders according to the person (or family group) that sent them. A little insane, but fascinating. I even have a collection of email I printed out from when I was doing that on a black screen with green lettering. I confess to my friend, “I’m an email FIEND.” She brags that she can email at home! I was emailing at terminal in grad school in the Ranger Hall basement. On Monday, Sept 14th, the AAD course began. I’m doing well enough with the bare commitments, but behind on the homework. CG sent around a link to one of RF’s diary entries (from 9/9/09, I think). I was so struck by the writing. It’s definitely worth noting the influence, I suspect, that RF has had a role model for clear writing. I find it difficult to read more than a couple of paragraphs because I get so full from just two. I’ve sold two lockets so far. And I have an editing gig with my friend JB. I’m delving, with her, into a manuscript that is about 10 years old. It’s a series of essays from her life. Some of it all is strong stuff. I find that I’m inspired by what she’s doing – writing down your life story seems like a good endeavor. In her case, it’s part therapy. Work is good. I finished a piece about the “green” goings on in Indiana and interview four Hoosiers to do it – once at 6 AM Pacific time because the man had to do things to get ready for his daughter’s wedding. I'm also doing some research about the Lost Colony -- I have three young adults books already digested, now I have a couple more. Interesting stuff. Well, I’m tired now. Where's the dude?
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
9:03 pm	The bits since Aug 14 -- catching up on 09/09/09 Saturday, August 15 to Sunday, August 30 Flying back from Boston, I missed K’s birthday. A couple of weeks later, I see that date written down among other birthday dates. So, I sent her an email to apologize. My address book has returned to being paper, hard-copy. I couldn’t keep up with the changing technology and I really like writing things down. It seems more satisfying to me. And so, I’ll continue to have a callus on my right-hand middle finger from doing that. TTA began back to rehearsing on the 15th. That evening, T and I went and had dinner with his folks. And that evening, my whole face began to break out. Really horrifying. It was worse on Sunday and then on Monday. I was a wreck; not much for socializing, but we went to a party at H and D’s anyway. But, Tuesday, I saw a doctor and confirmed that it seemed to be a problem caused by using someone else’s makeup. This was a relief. My face is better now and I feel like I can be seen in public. Work, dragging through the week. A decision to move out! This weekend, T and I are working on wedding invitations. We are printing them ourselves with paper we picked out last week. Much swearing ensued from the room where Taylor and the printer were dueling it out (with the help of Microsoft word). But, it got done—amazing! I worked steadily on collecting addresses and listened to tunes. Both of us were spent at the end of the day and unable to figure out what to do with ourselves. But, then Taylor perked up the evening, by presenting me with a little orange box tied with an orange ribbon! Orange diamond earrings with a little flower of diamonds behind all that! UTI week. I woke up on Sunday with this nasty thing! Boo! I couldn’t make it to a B-day breakfast as a result. I missed biscuits, wah! Monday, blah. Work. House Circle meeting. Tuesday, work, BD lesson with Suzanna. Prep for my gig this Sunday! She coached me on the song that the band will play for me – Bahaia – it means beautiful in Arabic and it’s fun to say with my fledging Arabic accent (I spent a year trying to learn Arabic). Wednesday, sittings begin, work, met with K. F. in search of wedding dress fabric. This was very, very fun and I was impressed to see how all the women we met knew what they were talking about. In the end, we found our colors! Yeah! Actually, a day with many parts. I was all keyed up by the end. Wedding planning on and off through the day too! Thursday, a loud storm last night, up for the sitting, guitar lesson, phone call with peeps back on the east coast, work. A phone call to NC for work. In the PM, I met up with JB for some editing help. Then, I spent a good long while coming to the realization that I need to get a storage space for my stuff when I move. Oh well. Then, out for sushi with TS. More “e-flurrying” and trying to find a settling point. Extensive, issue-ridden facebook discussions today! A good weekend. Guitaring with the open circle with great sounds. Some MB-effort to move. A night out with the group playing poker. But, lots of participants, so I read a book the whole time and chatted and ate and drank. No yardsale as planned on Sunday due to rain. So, I worked and nervously fretted the whole day about my belly dance performance in the evening. Arrived there with TS at 6 PM to happily see Fk and Id. Then, IK and B showed! We had a nice time. I seemed to do well enough and someone caught it all on DVD. Monday, 9/7, more work even though it was a holiday. A good House Circle meeting with Fk. We learned the difference between response and reaction. I observed how our group can work together to create a complete piece of music by supporting each other’s work as needed. Tuesday, 9/8, sitting, work, a long, fun belly dancing class. We watched numerous belly dance video clips and then tried to emulate what we were seeing. Impressive stuff -- and always, sadly, harder than it looks. Wednesday, sitting, work, a meeting with JB regarding her memoir, chatted with a street petitioner, some apartment moving tasks, puttering, now playing guitar. One day soon I hope to have some understanding of modes, chords, etc. But, for now, I feel a bit on the outside of understanding. It's nice to get caught up with this diary.
Monday, August 17th, 2009
4:27 pm	Days last week Wednesday, August 12, 2009 Up early with the cat finally out of my room so I could sleep. Got myself organized and had three mosquito bites (one on my left foot instep), all before I had had a shower. The foot bite was sooo itchy. Shower. Hiked to get zip car. Then, picked up luggage. Breakfast stop at DD. Day with PC, J, and SG in the office. Quiet but fun. I left around 5 PM to head to Somerville. Picked up flowers for B. I always stop at the Mystic Florist and enjoy the owner who I’m pretty sure gives me a good deal because I always get my flowers late in the day. The sales clerk had said the stems of orchids were $5 each, but I got a bunch for $3 each. Over to B’s and chatting with Michael G. A really good drum class. We learned the sam-eye (phonetic spelling) rhythm. Ate fresh cut watermelon from B. Then, B made us a dinner Bonnie-style. MG, she, and I hung out gossiping and such. Then, bed. Thursday, August 13, 2009 Up sort of early. Up the road to Nashua in my zipcar. Breakfast at DD. LP and J were in the office. Puttering along all day, snacks kept me going. I even got a vending machine box thing – one of the veggie options (it seemed good to support the effort to have healthier things). I left at 3:30 PM to head to an appt with A in Wakefield. Nice to see her and catch up. I left an hour later, sat in a Panera’s for an hour enjoying the free wi-fi, then went to Lowell. The band was there and the big party. I was nervous, so it was hard to relax and enjoy people. Eventually, I spent time curling my hair and getting organized. As usual, the large function room upstairs at the AC was stuffy and smelled like steak. Then, I went and talked to people, waited for B and the girls to show. They got ready and put on a cute show. Then, I got ready. All my good intentions to be intentional evaporated as I got closer to beginning my performance. So much goes on for that 20 minutes or so. It’s really incredible. I felt good dancing, but it’s a blur. I think my enthusiasm meter feels low because I’m not sure whether I made a difference with the audience. Earlier in the week, I learned that the host of the party had wanted another dancer and was worried about the quality of the show – so maybe I was swimming upstream with them. But, at the AC on Thursday, its amateur night and no one, except the band, gets paid. Mid-show, I used my fan and fanned the audience – that was appreciated. It was so hot back upstairs and changing, sweating, etc. B and her girls did one more show to a CD (the boombox died midway through), but it was a cool zill piece with good, repetitive choreography. A tired drive home talking to TS who had a less than perfect day. Got myself organized at B’s – took a needed shower. Emailed my travel info to TS. Bed. Friday, August 14, 2009 A good night’s sleep in B’s bed. It was a bummer to get up. But, I did. Quickly got myself together and said cheerful goodbyes plus a hug or too. She said, “I love you.” And I said, “I love you too Bonnie.” She prides herself on being a mom to all her students and friends. She then went back to sleep some more before a trip to see her sister. The day is breezy, a good day for a sail, if I had a sailboat. Bright sun, too, and I had to figure out the defrost in the car in order to see out my front window and deal with the glare. Then, I dropped off my car and hiked to Davis Square. They have escalators to get you down to the trains. My escalator fear kicked in. I misplaced my suitcase, and then watched it tumble down the whole flight of escalator stairs. A woman asked me if anything was breakable. No, no big deal. Figured out the pay system with help. While waiting for the train, gave two bucks to the blind banjo player ( with guide dog) who was plinking away. Missed one train because I was confused. Got on one and rode from the red to the silver line bus. Then, at the airport. LP was right, American A has really long, slow lines. But, an hour from my zipcar drop, here I am at the airport with two hours to wait until my flight. I got Starbucks, but DD was clearly more popular. The SB people, the three servers, presented a chaotic experience. While sitting here, a troop of about six guys came into the waiting area – they were definitely a pack. What’s more, most of them were toting really big mega cups of Dunkin Donuts coffee drinks. They would have been like a band of gun slingers were it not for the coffee – but somehow that was a good effect too. I’ve been thinking they are a band. But, now that they are all stuck to their cell phones and having long conversations, I’m finding out that they have all just joined the military. And most of them are speaking in a way to justify their decision, reassuring themselves and others that things are cool. I’m realizing that with big decisions there are these periods of actually making the choice and those periods probably begin with true excitement and obsessive thoughts and feelings. Then, the choice is made and then there is a shift to trying to maintain that positivity about the choice. But, its hard to maintain real excitement, which is disappointing. Because maintaining a high level of enthusiasm is too hard, one has to work at sounding enthusiastic. Doubts about whether you are doing the right thing come from everywhere. Also, on this trip, I’ve realized that no emotion or feeling is sustainable. I was stressed out at the beginning of the trip over the fact that I didn’t have my driver’s license. But, once I was on the plane, reading, and fed, I found that I just relaxed. Events pass away and usually things work out well or at least to a bearable resolution. But, big things, big mistakes, I guess, those can really stick with you – I still wince about my accident. But, I think there’s a purpose to that – its important remember the ick of that event so I don’t do it again.
Tuesday, August 11th, 2009
8:27 pm	A good day for the brain and soul A crazy dream last night. I was marrying TS, but also DSG and trying to figure out how to put all my stuff in the large, old building I worked in in graduate school (dear old, Ranger Hall). A very colorful, interesting dream, complete with M. Jackson dancers and choreography. Up and out to my meetings. Breakfast for free. A long day of outlining with a thoughtful pair. Lunchtime was fun. More work. Then, we were all brain dead. SK wanted to head home quickly so we sped out of there and down the highway to Somerville. Her sister and mom showed and we all had beer (except SK who was feeling like she needed to exercise and did that with a medicine ball). The social gathering was like hanging out with three Stacys. Then, I worked out my evening plans. Pre-date, SK dropped me off in Central Square near the Dnce Cmplx to meet up with D. Glanced in through the windows of Hubba Bubba (erotic store) and a store that claimed to sell clothes from Italy, watched the Mass Ave shenanigans (sirens, bicyclists, people moving about, a cop checking in on a guy who was face down and passed out on the sidewalk across the street). D showed and her husband showed up in his beige mini full of loose CDs (he’s a music prof). He drove us "200 yards" to Cuchi Cuchi which D described as a restaurant decorated like a jewelry box. And it was. Very good. Good conversation too. Free dinner! Bonus! Now back at Chez Kissel. She’s still out on her date. Gotta get to sleep. Need to get up early and get my zipcar. TS successfully mailed me my license! I'm being attacked by an incessantly, attention-demanding cat who is intermittantly using me and my laptop as a back scratching post.
Monday, August 10th, 2009
7:54 pm	Some gap filling, incompletely About three weekends ago Saturday, morning guitar work with CG. Then, TS and I headed to jewelry shops. We landed a the Greenlake Jewelry store, which used to be a restaurant. It was very nice inside and different. There were stations for sitting, looking at rings, and talking with a salesperson. Free coffee and drinks too. After some time and hemming and hawing, we picked out two mokume wedding bands. Mine has a tiny diamond to cover the fact that I won’t have an engagement ring. Pretty things. My ring is silver and rose gold. Taylor’s is silver, rose gold, and palladium. Then, we went an used up gift cards at Target and Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Bleh. Happy to be done with those as I’m not really in to going to those stores. Then, we did something. Headed to an Italian place we hadn’t tried and had much good food. Then, got two movies – Vicky Christina Barcelona and the Wrestler (watched on Sunday night). Sunday, puttering around. Did my own yoga. Last weekend – another good one. Some time at the Ballard Farmer's Market. Some shopping with a 30% off coupon in Bellevue. New haircuts. Monday – I was in a spasmodic state all day. Worried about things. Had to make calls. Followed up on one bit of advice, but then regretted that. Felt off. Sleepy. Did my work as best I could and ate food to make the day roll along. I’ve made a decent new kind of pie (recipe from the NC adventures). But all is settled now. We have a venue, guest list, and other things. Even a good hotel for incoming guests. Even a tailor perhaps. Friday 8/7 through Sunday 8/9 – Taylor and I do the northeast. Got to sleep in a bit before heading to the airport. Got it all together, almost. Arrived at the airport only to discover that I had left my driver’s license at home. The desk person whispered, “You’ll be fine.” And I was. I just showed a lot of plastic and some business cards. That was that. The only hitch was that I realized (as our bags moved away from us on the conveyor belt) that I needed my license to rent a car. Arrived in Boston. Taylor did the rental part. We arrived at Chez Kissel. Cats, homemade pizza, talk. In the am, up and off to see the Sherman Café. Baked goods. Then, a visit with BC. Pleasant times and a showing of many bellydance costumes. She has about 50 of those, about 20 canes, and about 8 swords -- so fun! I may adopt B’s sewing machine. Then, drove to Newport to hand with, V, D, and G. A trip to Breton Point to wade in the tidepools. V showed me dark red clumps of Champia parvula, something I grew in the lab and wrote my Master's Thesis on. She found and temporarily collected many, many hermit crabs off all sizes. Then, food and we wrapped up the evening playing Snota. G was the champion. Jetlag, too much coffee, or wine made it so I and T couldn’t sleep. A bummer, but we got some reading in. Then, up to meet J over in Wakefield with tea and more food things (a second breakfast). J grilled TS (and me) as suspected. He held up well. Then, drove back to Boston feeling weary and not all that great. The weather was gray and blah. Ate dinner in the airport at Legal Seafoods. Then, hung out. Then, a sad little goodbye. I took a taxi to Chez Kissel again. She and I talked, then bed. Up early to head to Manchester for work for both of us. Stop off at Dunkin Donuts. I was very, very tired. My face felt tired. It was work to chitchat. But, folks were welcoming and fun and soon I popped into shape after coffee and food. A bit of a freak out for a couple of hours because I had not heard from TS. Did it make it back to Seattle? Then, all was well. The day was spent working on outlines. Then, dinner. Now, in the hotel room that has a not so great, stale smell.
Thursday, July 23rd, 2009
6:02 pm	July 23, 2009 Belly dancing and a volcano Last weekend was a belly dance weekend of sorts. On Friday, I concocted a plan to hire my friend to belly dance at TMt’s B-day event at Verve. This seemed to work out pretty well. At least people had something to talk about in addition to the great food. And my friend Suzanna was very glamorous and wonderful and her daughter was the balloon carrier. From there, back to Taylor’s for sleep. I woke up early to catch the bus to West Seattle for a belly dance festival locally called “Medfest” – I arrived in place, got harassed by the bus driver a little, and found myself in the very thick of a parade line up. Crazy. Bands, girls in prom dresses, I got a coffee. Then, I found the place and talked to S on the phone, she couldn’t find her way because the main route was blocked. Rather than practice and focus on my performance and other very good things, I ate some food, wondered, and evaluated the scene. As I was dressing, the two other women came in perfectly dressed in matching, spectacular outfits. I began to panic because there was no way that I could look like them or even look as good as they did. Ug. The S came in and quickly dressed and very quickly became spectacular looking. Ug. And then we had to rush on, to the gym, to dance, with Egyptian-like backdrops. The dance was in my body, but for the life of me, I kept turning the wrong way on one part. Horrible. And my headscarf slipped so I pulled it off, and I almost ran into my fellow dancer, just terrible. How could I let this happen? Sigh. I took comfort in the fact that S’s daughter wasn’t able to video tape it and that know one knows me in these parts. I bought a couple of veils and found my way to the bus. Comfort from Taylor. Then, we did some reconnaissance work for rings, then met with the event planner for Carnegie’s. It’s a nice place and I really like the event planner, very together. She gave us Perrier with lime. For some reason, I’m worried about whether the place is big enough. I know from experience, that weddings have the tendency to mushroom in all proportions. And I worry…but I worry about many things. On Saturday evening, Taylor and I went to a very, very, nice and wonderful belly dance event with a live band. The head guy—the oud player—was old, very short, and had HUGE glasses. He sat in front with one foot up on a box and a brown towel over his knee. On that towel, he placed his big ole oud which was about as wide as half his height. His head peered around the oud, and he played with finesse and speed all the while seeming to listen to what the body of his instrument was saying. I loved him and could have watched him all night. His sons on stage were the doumbek player (dressed as if he had “just walked from the streets of Cairo”) and the keyboard player who’s hands danced around all night making that thing sound like a hundred instruments. Then, there was a wonderful singer in a tight tee-shirt and tight jeans (he made jokes all night about the fact that you had to remember a code to get in the bathroom and he recommended the Indian beer; I also learned he was Jewish and married to the oud players daughter). Then, there was a tall friend guy who played the riq and other drum-things and added to the beer-y fun on stage. There was dancing and there were two performers. The first was very severe and more like a flamenco dancer I guess. But, good. The second was worth paying a lot of money to see…namely because she was greater than textbook quality in her Egyptian dancing, wonderfully creative and with the music, the right kind of plumpness and smiles for belly dancing, powerful, graceful, and the band loved, loved, loved her and she loved them back and the audience was in love too. In short, it all worked really well. She came around at the end and people tipped her. I added a dollar while she was turned away from me…she took the time to thank me very sincerely. Amazing! Then, more dancing, and I spiraled in to one of my places where I feel like I want more than I have. Hard to say what causes these little journeys…could be booze, need for sleep, PMS, genese, who knows. Taylor was very sweet about all that. Sunday, I was still in a mood. So, I got up early, puttered in my apartment for a couple of hours. Went shopping at Joanne’s fabrics, then came back to Taylor’s. He was up and had been thinking. Within an hour we were on our way to Mount Rainier. Yay! Totally spectacular…a huge freakin’ volcano, beautiful meadows all around. We took the wimpier hike up. Saw many folks including a family who was sledding. Then, back down for food. Then, homeward. Rest.
Thursday, July 16th, 2009
11:41 pm	July 16, 2009 -- sunny day in Seattle A good day. Guitar lesson. Sun. Work. Some errands. Locket workshop work in TS’s bar-kitchen -- with various glues. Some success! Work with GM on guitar. Some wedding planning. Busy next few days. Work, TMtc’s B-day at Verve (trying to get in touch with Kate to figure something out there). A day of belly dancing stuff with Sz and TS is up for a party in the evening with a live band, performers, and Indian food. Then, a day off to do something. Then, work and a photoshoot. Then, Tuesday rolls around – I’m up for Pilates with DGS (need to get up at 5 AM to make this class). Then, work. Then, pick up dry cleaning. BD class. Not sure what Wed-Fri next week will bring. But, TS bought us tickets to see Trey Gunn’s band next Friday. I finished the C.S. Lewis sci-fi trilogy. I especially like Mr. B, the bear (in the third book). Now, I’ve fallen into reading a book about a women who grew up in Liberia – a wild tale so far.
Sunday, July 12th, 2009
8:38 pm	Trip to the east coast and arriving back in Seattle June 29th, Monday, a work day and getting ready to head to the east coast. I got a zip car to go to a BD class near Northgate Mall and then drive to a House Circle meeting that was attended by Frank S. Frank was a great addition to our meeting. He had his own chair in our circle and alternated among sitting and watching, moving around and doing AT, and then talking with us. I brought away the notion of focusing on my lower ribs and breathing. He said that only RF seems to be a part of his instrument as if it is a true extension of himself and there is no struggle in playing it. B on the course had said to me to consider bringing the guitar to me, like a woman brings her baby to her body when she holds it. A similar idea. Some food and email and more packing. HS sent a nice note to MG and me to take care of D while he is away. Tuesday, June 30th off to the east coast. NC, South of the Border, SC, and Atlanta, GA. Easy flight. Arrived in Raleigh. It was nice and warm. Picked up the rental car and drove to N. Johnson’s place. I was navigator. Mildly excited, I read the number wrong and we went to the darkened porch of house 108 in her neighborhood. Suitcases in hand, we were greeted by a stranger and were told that we were at the wrong house. So, then I checked the number and we drove down the street further to 180. The gang was sitting around chatting. We said our helloes and then got some food and desert. The crowd mysteriously disappeared once NJ’s husband and I and TS got into a discussion about creationism vs. evolution. I’m not used to having to defend evolution face to face with someone, so that was interesting. Mostly, I don’t think I really defended it, I just politely tried to explain things from the scientists point of view. But, I’m wondering if I should send them the Sci American issue that’s all about Darwin. July 1, 2009 In Gardner, NC with the Coberly clan and with Taylor. Today, work up, showered. Then, some pod coffee and chatting. Then, we all went to a rather sparse, local hangout breakfast placed call Pollard’s. Eggs, grits, and biscuits for me. The Coberly clan offspring moved about the space doing their own thing (twirling with ribbons, reading, sitting on a mom’s lap) rather non-disruptively. Then, we went berry picking. It was cool in the shade but pretty hot in the sun. Soon I was sweating and found it hard to enjoy myself. TS had a good time. We picked huge blackberries, a good amount, and blueberries. Both, I think, could have been sweeter. I think, at least for the blackberries, it was the end of the season. Some more hanging about, then we went o the main shack to pay. I got some water out of a large plastic water jug. Very strange-tasting water – it tasted like it had soybeans soaking in it. Taylor and I collected about $10 worth of blueberries and blackberries and were told how to freeze them and to visit a website to learn how to make blueberry cream pie. From there to wine tasting. A plain building on a large property with an old, stately white Southern home. The family had been growing tobacco but the market fell, so they switched to growing muscadine grapes and making wine. Impressive really. They been going for four years and many wine varieties, making it themselves from scratch and from buying grapes from others, and they have a couple of function halls. The couple who started this all are not spring chickens as my dad would say. Our wine-pourer, the wife, said that she had wanted to retire and travel. But, now she pours wine 6 days a week. But, they seemed like a happy couple; the husband is definitely the brains/entrepreneur/crackerjack salesman of the operation. For $8 we got to taste about 14 varieties of wine and take home our wine glasses. We purchased some cheese and crackers to get us through all that. While the adults drank, the kids entertained themselves with books and things. Then, we all went homeward to rest. Mexican food later tonight at Krisy’s. At Krisy’s we first got a tour of her backyard which is populated with 27 chickens. We even helped her collect some eggs. Eggs are pretty amazing in shape and in the whole montage of life. Then, dinner came together well. We were harassed a little by flies and “dad” began to focus on fly elimination. The Mexican food was really good. From there, we went outside and rode bikes. Then, I found some chalk and decided to initiate hangman with the kids. All evening, I had been wondering when to announce that TS and I are engaged, but there never seemed to be a good time. So, I did it with hangman which made things a less dramatic but the job was done. At one point, the guessing was like “We’re equal???” Then, g’s were guessed and things fell into place. Wednesday morning was pretty casual. NJ made wonderful scones that we covered with whipped cream and blueberries. I showed off my lockets. TS and I left around 1 PM. We stopped for some food at Wendy’s then we were finally at the South of the Border location. We decided to stop and check it out. It seems that they have vested some time and money into the place. Things looked bright and cheery. It only costs a dollar to ride the elevator and get to the top of Pedro’s sombrero. Riding up, I felt like it was a religious experience. For YEARS, I rode by this thing with my parents driving and we NEVER stopped. And the one time I did as an adult, the place was depressing and like a ghost town. At the top, you could see how pretty the state of NC is. The land was green all around with clumps of trees. But, directly below was the bright and cheery South of the Border landscape. In the women’s restroom (the next stop after the sombrero), all the graffiti was from ’08 or ’09 – so I really think there’s been some recent repainting. You can check out pictures at the Taylor Sherman flickr site. By the time we got to Florence, I was very happy that I had only stole fries during lunch at Wendy’s and had a really, really big iced tea. AS had spent a bit of time putting together a wide range of appetizers for us. We dove into those and chatted with her for a while until Gy came home. News about Michael Jackson carried on in the background on the TV. Then, Gy came home and we all went out to a local restaurant that was really good. Their specialty is broccoli cornbread which is more like a broccoli-cornbread cake (it was really moist and seemed to be made with a lot of eggs). We skipped dessert and attempted to get a fresh Krispy Kreme doughnut, but the place was hosing down the assembly line when we arrived. So, we went back to their place, showed off the TTA video, and said our goodbyes. Then, I remembered that I needed to make the engagement announcement. So, I did that as a parting hoorah. Drove on to my parents place rather tired. Arrival at Mom and Dad Abel’s. Friday involved dropping off the rental car and then getting a tour around town. We had dinner at a local middle eastern restaurant. Then, gelato at the little café next to and associated with the restaurant – we were served by the Lebanese owner’s wife who was from Greer, SC and in full muslim dress. My home town is changing! I ate peach gelato with chocolate gelato. The peach was made with Greer peaches. Our server (the muslim woman from Greer, SC) pointed out her éclair experiment which had failed. She had followed a recipe but they turned out all flat and hard. She wasn’t sure why. She seemed to be happy in this role and just getting started as café baker, ice cream dipper, cashier. Then, the four of us went and saw The Hangover, outrageous. I enjoyed myself and laughed a lot. Saturday, a bit of a breakfast fiasco because my mom burned the sausages but all else was good. Then, we all went to the zoo and brought a picnic. The range of animals on the planet is so amazing. The best part happened last. We bought cups of nectar for $1 each and fed them to lorikeets who call a lot and perch on your arm while they drink. TS and I went back for seconds. In his second round, TS was holding out his cup of nectar and then got distracted and pulled his arm away just as a bird was flying/jumping to his arm. The bird literally fell through the shrubbery to the floor of the exhibit. Taylor looked down into the back hole and called down to the bird. Apparently, no harm was down and the bird reemerged. We watched Bonfire of Vanities in the evening which an ‘80’s or early 90’s movie with Tom Hanks, Melanie G, and Bruce Willis. Sunday, drove to Atlanta to see my brother, his wife, and kid and their new house. All is well there. Henry likes to be chased and I did that off and on during our stay. We had a number of good meals out on their screened in porch. It made it attractive to get a porch like that – it was so relaxing. We spent a good day at the Atlanta aquarium and then went to the OK café for lots of southern food. In the evening, my brother, TS, and I played scrabble. As I predicted and I could have/should have bet money on this – TS won. He’s really good a Scrabble. Likewise, I was last (I do not excel at Scrabble ever—its just not my game, I guess), and my brother, who was playing for his first time, came in second. We also spent a good amount of time watching the Tour the France—I really like this sport. It’s amazing to see how much coordination has to happen with the race course, the pack of cyclists, the support team, the camera work. Crazy. Back to Seattle on Tuesday. Easy flight. Dinner at the Hi-Life once we returned. July 7, 2009 Officially engaged Now, en route to Seattle from Atlanta. We seem to have less than 2 hours to go. Taylor (TS) and I are officially engaged. The first announcement was made on June 27th at a TTA end of season party. The toast began to send Howard off with many good wishes – he’s attending the course in Barcelona. Then, with champagne all around, I said that that toast was a red herring. Then, Taylor began to speak. Someone said, “You didn’t!” And Jaxie said, “Wait! Bob is in the bathroom!” So, we waited for what seemed a good 5 minutes. Jaxie explained that Bob is fastidious. There were some funny and off-color remarks too during this wait. Bob emerged and Taylor said that he and I are engaged. There was a big happy whoop and hugs and more drinking. I announced to Bob that I would never forget him. So, that’s the first announcement. On Sunday, we had a second official announcement. Taylor and I met up with his family to check out the Flight Museum which was very cool. It helped to have two ex-Boeing employees (Taylor and his dad) there to describe what I was looking at. Taylor and I paid $8 each to do the 3-minute flight simulator. That was great too, but too short. Seeing stuff from the control room for the first flight to the moon was interesting. While waiting to board and old Air Force 1, I plotted how we were going to announce the engagement. In the end, we decided to get ourselves invited to dinner and skip lunch since Taylor’s nephew was getting tired, etc. So, around dinner, we headed to the Shermans where the Giddings were staying for part of the week. Had dinner and made the announcement at dessert. Another good whoop there! The third announcement was while playing hangman with kids and friends in NC. And the 4th took place in Atlanta with my family – good whoops there.
Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
5:31 pm	Week on Craft Island, Raft Island, Gig Harbor, WA 2009 Week on Craft Island Saturday, May 30 Raft Island, Gig Harbor, WA At the course, it has been a very relaxing afternoon – a busy morning. Yesterday, a sitting and then homework for my editing class. Then I cleaned my apartment and got very dusty and hot. From there to lunch at TS’s place. Felt weary and took my time. Petered out during more work. Finally just flopped on the bed and gave in to a need for R&R and fell asleep with TS. At one point, we woke up and both experienced a perfection in air temperature..the air felt like a blanket and was very still but not hot. For dinner, we went out for sushi. Afterward, when we were back at TS’s place, I heard a car accident below the window but couldn’t see it. I went down to figure out what had happened. Coming into the building I had seen D who tends to sit outside the building in his wheelchair. I wondered about him and his safety. Things were fine with the accident, a fender bender. But the worry stirred into some feelings of concern regarding the course. The feelings stayed with me the whole drive. Why was I coming? What will become of me? Who wants me? Am I still in the right place? But, more importantly, why do I struggle to be happy? We arrived at the course after dinner…recipe a la Travis and cooked by SBC. We enjoyed the offered food and chatted with the gathered. Including Dev and others. Suddenly, I felt in the right place. Hugs happened. I stayed in that place with TS and read. I headed to bed at 11 PM. Since I had had coffee (made by GM I think), I couldn’t freakin’ sleep. I felt like an idiot about that, but realized that I could just enjoy thinking, meditating, and listening to the sounds the night long. And it was a blessing when I woke up and discovered that I had in fact gotten to sleep. There was movement beginning at 5 AM. I later realized that it was BZ who mistakenly thought it was later. I met TS for breakfast prep at 6:30 AM. I was a little late for that. We made it all well. TS made good eggs, but help with breakfast setup was necessary. Then LOTS of cleaning of webs off things. Not my favorite task. Vacuuming. Finally, a shower. Then, setup for lunch. Lunch had a significant silence and our arrangement of tables compressed us. A relaxed afternoon…guitar for an hour. A walk with TS. Chatting during not-tea-tea as there were no cookies to be had. Now writing. I finished my book From the Silent Planet – a message that stuck with me – fear is a kind of evil. Reading to finish up, stretching, a sitting at 6:30 PM, dinner. Dinner was yummy. Tofu, broccoli, carrots. We were all hungry. It felt like the food wasn’t enough. But my table got seconds from the head table. It was quiet. A new guy horrified my by going into the kitchen through the wrong door to get more water. He exited out of the wrong door as well, loudly. I was struck dumb and scared by the magnitude of the task involved in “handling” beginners. And I was amused too. At one point, RF and I caught each other’s eye. I honestly was worried about what RF would do…how could he possibly bring us all together. And then he lept up and opened his mouth. His voice was loud and with what he said there was a tremendous amount of clarity and humor to be felt. I felt safe and relaxed all of a sudden. Here I wrote my aim which was to play guitar. Then, I wrote “I’m mealy … but I guess that is okay.” Then, I wrote “mealy like a crummy apple – so negative” – gees, I’m so kind to myself. But, this is really how I felt about things at this point. I felt aimless and not convinced that aims mattered. Then, I wrote down some more pathetic stuff that is not worth re-writing. I did say that I don’t think I am in the right place. The opening meeting happened. We mentioned people AAD. A bit of a review of that evening…[next page of diary]…During dinner, I had two cups of tea. I talked to Lance about my lockets (he had read about things in my diary). Then, I sat on my bed in the cabin and wrote down things. A better-stated aim: (1) To play guitar with authority. (2) To hear music to better understand music. At the opening meeting, I noted that Tony G was AAD. Also, at the opening meeting…some points of embarrassment brought to light and mine. A guy asked about getting up and not having an alarm. RF put him on the spot and asked about whether a bell would help. I think the guy said yes so RF said that he could wake up and be the bell ringer and suggested he get help to wake up even earlier so that he could be on time. As he heard RF speak, I saw this wave of self-awareness, respect, “I got it” sweep over him. I learned later that he didn’t get up and be the bell ringer. I suppose he didn’t have to do that…that wasn’t the point. But the exchange prompted JB to tell us all had she had asked a question regarding the same issue. RF asked her how she would like to be woken up. She said by a rooster crowing. So, RF told her to crow at the right time and wake everyone up in time for the morning sitting. And she stayed up most of the night and did this…woke all up by yelling “cockle-doodle-do” down the halls. Then, RF said something like…”There’s one thing that hasn’t been said.” No one knew what it was. I had no idea. Then, I was seized by this (nutty) idea that we hadn’t begun…the time for the course beginning hadn’t happened! I MUST say something. So, I did, and I was corrected and then I clearly remembered that we had in fact begun and even had a time. I blurted out admist some laughter I think…”Well, I’m beginning now.” Due to my two cups of tea, I had trouble getting to sleep again. There were 8 women in our cabin. Crazy. I heard so many various noises as I meditated my way toward sleep. My sounds were due to twisting in my sleeping bag and having to get up multiple times to pee. But, some good thoughts came my way. Sunday, May 31 A quote of the day. Said during the Aldo (?) Gobi Mater dinner I worked on as head chef. “Persistance is the gateway to heaven.” This was in response to EW’s question regarding that it took 10 years of sittings for “the penny to drop.” “Because there is an aim,” he said. This is why you continue. Spent night thinking about the day, trying to be okay about my inability to sleep. I heard snoring, dreaming, twisting, and turning. I got up at 6:30 AM and got ready for the day. Stetching at the chapel and then the sitting. I cell phone went off near me. This was the first sitting I have done that involved keeping my eyes open. When I heard the phone, I was startled but realized that I wanted to get back on track and so I did. Breakfast – I felt cheery and chatty. That gave way to some mild grumpiness regarding not knowing where I fit in the scheme of things. And then I ended up being the day’s tea girl. Ug! But, I was able to practice lots of EotN with the guys and then with JB. I wrote here…” I should go to sleep now…the cabin smells like feet.” Back to writing…After EotN, I participated in the intermediate zone with RF. #1 exercise: “Begin” then another “Begin” and then “Rhythm” The rhythm experience was, for me, like it must be to take heavy narcotics. I just become completely absorbed, intense, and excited and there’s a head rush. This is probably not an ideal state for making music. Working on EotN is getting better. I’ve been getting stronger hands and having more precision. JB noted that I looked awkward with my guitar. She suggested I buy one like hers. But, it is $1000 and the jury is out on its sound. In the end, I decide to keep exploring mine. B, the AT teacher, said to bring the guitar to me. And I can practice not looking awkward with it, on opening up. And during our whizzes, I really felt like I needed an ovation. I still have huge gaps. It is so difficult to make melodies and especially to hear them before. I have no personal muse yet, as far as I can tell. Learned from yesterday: a riff thing from RF – two primaries combined on the 4th and 5th and 5th and 6th strings. Making curry. Somehow I ended up as head chef. We were to make just two things – a curry with a bazillion ingredients and rice (also with a number of ingredients). The chefs included GM, P, and an angel who had just arrived – Tony Grza. And Patrick of course. GM was replaced by DL because he only had sandals. DL spent much of the time in the back cutting things. Tony did what I refused to do – mince garlic. I found the myriad spices and got water boiling for rice, made saffron water, had the dudes put the ingredients all combined in bowls so they could be dumped in at the right time. The curry had so many vegetables – so much chopping. An hour before we needed to be done we had so much to do. And we realized that we needed two pots for the curry, not just one. And the potatoes weren’t getting soft. This was the worst – you just can’t eat hard potatoes – it doesn’t work. So, I kept telling my chief stirrer, P, to just get the potatoes done. Other angels appeared to do the tables setup. A beautiful experience was the rice. Patrick came around and asked if the water was heating up. I was happy to say that I had got that going for the rice. And had it going by about 40 minutes till 7 PM. Then, when I took of the lid after the time for simmering – I saw the most beautiful pot of rice. And then I add in a very sugary, thick syrup with saffron and raisins sautéed in butter and oil by Tony. Stirring that rice was such a beautiful sight. Then, our dessert people helped with serving cilantro. And we were done ahead of time. I literally jumped up and down and did the yeah dance. I rang the bell. The smell of curry filled the dining room as the TTA team performed – what was it? – Lament? I was reminded of a story that I read in Martha Graham’s biography – her dance company performed outdoors in India and the audience made curries and ate them during the performance. They danced with the smell of wonderful curries all around. I think that was the meal’s completion for me. Standing with that curry – a huge, huge, successful pot of it and enough for all, while the music played and the lights were dim and the air was gentle. Monday, June 1st Began to shift my schedule so that I was showering before the sittings. This was a stellar idea especially since I was able to get up before everyone else and enjoy the hot water. It was so nice to be clean. Off to the dining room to hang some privacy paper in the women’s restroom there. Then to the chapel to sit and stretch. Not a great sitting. Wandery mind. Breakfast. 9 AM kitchen meeting. Some sharing about making dinner on Sunday night. I realized that in visualizing the arc of the meal (which I’m not very good at doing), I forgot to visualize where my team was or would sit. Many good comments including DL saying that he hadn’t been able to see the whole picture because he had done so much chopping. But, then when he saw the results he was impressed. 9:45 AM Tai Chi in the sun on a grassy hill. Glad I had my sunglasses. 10:30 AM or so – work with Greg on EotN after about 40 minutes of personal work on a high stool on the porch of the dining hall and looking out over the property. Tree canopy height, my sunglasses in place. When we last played the piece on the porch—just Greg and I—I was proud of how I played the last note. I was very absorbed in what we were doing. Greg said as we finished and some silence and I said, “That was wonderful,” that we had had some help. RF had walked by while we played. That comment resulted in some very mixed emotions. After tea on this day, TS helped me restring my guitar. Then, we played Lament together until my brain was spent. I wrote down 9 steps for restringing my guitar. Step 8 is a diagram. Some notes on EotN’s bassline: First run for the first 13 begins on 7+; Second 13 has single notes beginning with the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th pattern; 3rd 13 has the 2nd run; 4th 13 has single notes. In case you didn’t notice, I didn’t go to Berkley. For Lament, I tried to make some notes so that I could remember the alternative picking pattern. I almost figured out how to sing the song this way. It goes like this: “Dooown, Down, up, down, up, dooown. Down, up, down, up, doown, down, hammer-on, doown, down, hammer-on, down, hammer-on, dooown.” And so forth! Tuesday, June 2nd Up at 6 AM, another hot shower. Some writing. My sitting cushion was neatly taken by MS this morning. His watch was neatly laid across the black cushion on top of a blanket. For a moment in time, I did this – removed the cushion, wrote a note, and left it. Then, I saw how horrible that looked. So, I put it all back, the watch probably not as neatly as I should have. I just sat on my own blanket. I had some wild sensations trying to get the blood to flow to my legs – something I can actually control a little by making micro-adjustments. Breakfast. I did some personal practice in the chapel by myself while Tai Chi happened – notes, new things, EotN. At 10:30 AM the intermediates had work with RF in the intermediate zone. RF left us because we had trouble counting two patterns of 7’s. We worked by ourselves. TS invoked TG’s body beat more or less successfully. But, I learned later that the higher flyers were quite frustrated by all this. I had fun, however. Had a convo with GM about choices. More practice. Sat with TS and Tom R on the bench and waited for lunch. Lunch was yummy lima beans (yes, this is possible), and tofu triangles – I made a dragon shape with mine and gave it a lima bean eyeball. Helped with clean-up and vaccumed. Went to the mistake workshop led by Tom R. My earlier body beat confidence evaporated. I found it was again quite hard to find the beat in a situation where a significant number of others were also shaky. This workshop lacked silence which I needed but it was very good work. Had some more practice. Did body beat on the hill. Tai Chi and dinner. My silence need continued through dinner. I was committed to not saying anything. But, then I piped up in answer to the question about how we should spend our evening. I said that working on repertoire might help satisfy what I wanted to do. But, I was beginning to get frustrated by how horrible the improvs sounded. I couldn’t figure out how to get a foothold and it seemed those who should be skilled weren’t really helping much. I wanted to work on communication during improvising. Somehow, RF thought I was a vote for repertoire…when I didn’t raise my hand for that choice, he pointed his finger at me and said something like “Yooou, said you wanted to do repertoire.” I replied that I wanted to play music. Somehow, I think, this cemented his understanding of what I wanted. Who knows. After dinner. I talked to IK and GM about forming a band. IK’s aim for the course was to work out what he needed to do for the next 6 months. GM’s aim for the course was to meet his new band members. It all sounded good to me at this point. A remarkable evening: 9:30 PM in the chapel. Eventually, setup for two circles (an inner and an outer) became one large circle. RF stood in a corner near the entrance. He said “begin.” One of these “Tower of Babel” improvs began. It totally sucked; I was miserable. That came to a completion. Then, RF stormed into the center and demanded that I and a small group around me improvise for 4 minutes. Total joy for me. The energy pulsed. My hands shook as did those of a person near me. It was so great. This was exactly what I wanted – some focus, direction, and permission to be heard – for some reason, it is hard to give yourself permission to do what you want to do. Then, RF expanded, contracted, and shifted the improve groups so that all had a chance. One person was allowed to solo. I became flushed. Then, for a final glorious experience, we had six groups that improvised in succession. My group was last, I think. When we played, I feel that I was playing a song with a name actually. It was called “Cocktail Lounge.” It seemed dark and slow. Then estatic whizzing. Amazing chords, etc. Percussive wonder – huge energy – and a spiral of upward noise. I am very happy to have been a part of this. My thoughts on the Art of Whizzing. The circle of players becomes like the inside of a bowl of clay being shaped on a potter’s wheel. The sound needs to travel through each player and each player needs to send the chord through to an end point or around the whole circle if that is the task. In circulation, it seems to me that you are passing to your neighbor, not through the whole group. In contrast, a group during a circulation, stitches together a melody note by note or note by silence between the note by note by silence between the note. With whizzing, to achieve maximum energy and velocity around the circle, the circle needs to be smoothed out. The lumpy pockets of sound need to be smoothed out so the whizz moves without obstruction. A single player can help smooth out a lumpy pocket by stepping up intention so that the chord is propelled through the pocket. If all this comes together, the sound is amazing. Unfortunately, during this whizz, I kept my head down….had I looked up, I would have had the complete experience of the sound and my fellow players moving (literally) as one. And from what I understood, for music to happen, one must get out of the way. I was very, very weary during Tai Chi on this day. I almost couldn’t do it. I went to bed shortly after writing this: I send good wishes to myself of Wednesday for the performance and to be at my best during lunch. [I wrote out a pattern for a limb rotation.] Acceptace [boxed in and the aim for the performing trio] I play this music to honor my mom. Wednesday, June 3 Up early. Excited energy. Today’s to do list: sitting, nails (?), breakfast, practice with the band, nails (?), Tai Chi (?), 10:30 AM lunch, 12:45 PM get ready for performing, lunch-perform JB sat behind me during this sitting. But, I didn’t know this until the sitting was over. She sat close enough to me that I felt as if the small sounds she made (like swallowing) were coming from inside me. It was like another presence was inside of me. So, at the end, I was glad that that presence was female and JB’s...just anyone’s would have been a bit strange. After the actual performance, I realized that one really needs a performance checklist. I wrote (1) Attention in a limb, (2) Place attention in the body, (3) Invoke the muse, (4) Space before the performance is important – don’t be a hero, (5) Visualize the whole performance, (6) Visualize space above my head, (7) Connect with the other players. Making lunch. My task was to make egg salad. I made 90 hardboiled eggs and peeled them with TS. Through out lunch preparations, I would have thoughts like, “What can I learn from this carrot?” or “What can I learn from this egg?” The salad was well-received it turns out. Tony Gza was the head chef. I kept to the recipe and didn’t do any thing fancy. Perhaps the salad was good because the eggs were made fresh and the salad didn’t have to hang in a fridge for any length of time. We plopped it out on beds of lettuce. Alex K made an amazing hummus. We had pita and olives. Then, I went out and got ready to play. GM was distracted by his family not being present – he figured they hadn’t heard the dinner bell. We had a crew in the green room so guitar cases were in the way. It was a warm sunny, sunny day. DGS had arrived in a lively way. After Tai Chi, CG said my hair looked like bat wings. Our trio of performers seemed to be feeling good all day. Great! But before a performance, it is rather hard to know where to “be.” I began to think that I could pretend that I was getting paid a lot of money for this performance of EotN. We played first. We sat after walking into place with our stools. The room fell silent. I made an effort to look around. I saw Taylor’s face but the rest were a blur. I felt the presence of Greg’s kids nearby. I began and fumbled. Began again – too quickly possibly. I was glad for my body memory. My hands creaked along playing plinky notes instead of nice ones. IK mentioned that he was relaxed at the beginning but the accumulation of error led to his playing and being like a stone by the end. Keys to performance prep: in tone, in time, in rhythm What I thought I had accomplished in note tone disappeared during the performance. What remained was my ability to be a strong presence I think and my ability to play the pattern. To my greatest dismay, I found that I could not hear my fellow players. I found that I could conjure names and essences, but I couldn’t hear us. I could only hear myself and I could keep playing, hoping they were with me. But, for the coda, I was able to send energy to my fellow players and then the last note, I sent out energy and good thoughts to the group at large. Honestly, it’s a pretty good achievement that our last note felt good and was good (I think). After the performance, the tension caught up with me and I was crying and needed tissues. PS played beautifully to silence that JB claimed was the first real silence that she had heard on the course. She followed by telling us that she asked CG, “How does he do that?” There was chaos, unfortunately, after the meal. I think part of what led to this was that we had guests and the energy was tilted a little. The carrot soup spilled all over someone and on to the floor. The path to freedom is personal discipline. At 3:15 PM, I had a meeting with RF. I had my list of questions. Chocolates! I was delighted by this. [Learned later that AK had declined the chocolates and RF said, “Well, f##$ you then!” …which is apparently the continuation of a joke.] I asked about craving feedback – positive or negative. RF mentioned that each of us is the conductor and we need to have section leaders to manage all our “little people.” Since this conversation, I tried to figure out just how many sections I have (so that I could figure out how many section leaders I needed). There are many variations on a theme. There’s the “I’m a victim” and the “I’m not good enough” section. If I get stuck in one of these, things go south. RF mentioned visiting his hometown and experiencing many little Roberts. I also asked about how one practices our attention – such as when we are speaking. He suggested time slots. Say from 5:20 to 5:25, I’m going to listen to myself speak. He also does limb rotations on the quarter hour (during a course, for example). I found doing this during a TTA performance really amazing…it made things much more clear. After the meeting, I ate my chocolate. Got a call back from RF because I had left my pencil. Then, I did some “shopping” with BZ. It was great in the sense that my deep ponderings completely disappeared. Who needs this GC stuff went there are tops and skirts to buy! Whoo! I bought one of each of BZ’s creative creations. This was a good use of my time and money and very therapeutic. At tea, I talked with Frank S about his book. After his announcement, I flock of people bought up all the copies. On the way to Tai Chi, I took a detour and ended up on Frank S’s table. It was a very nice experience. While I was laying there, he said, “We are all happy you entered Taylor’s life.” “He used to look like Jesus. Those doleful eyes.” I laughed and tried to say something but it was too tricky given that I was on his table and had to keep my eyes closed because of the glare (we were outside under a tree) and because FS doesn’t hear well. So, I relaxed and enjoyed how he did his work – I’m not sure of the right term. Wednesday evening. Dinner clean up. Practiced Lament with TS. A meeting with a larger group (mainly TTA people and crafties) with RF that was very good. The beginner group received a performance challenge. Bed. Thursday, June 4 I woke up at 5:30 AM for a shower and then a sitting at 6 AM with Igor K, GM, Tom R, and P. Smith. It was very nice and peaceful. We kept the doors open and the bird song came in. I think that I would like to do this tomorrow (wake up early) so that I can catch up on my diary. Breakfast was made by the band, P. Smith, and Tom R. as honorary member of the band. I cooked 48 hardboiled eggs. With those from yesterday (90), that means 138 in two days. We managed to get breakfast all ready in time and complete, I thought. Throughout the preparations, I thought about bringing silence. When I finally sat down—after a few extra runs for plates and coffee and hot water, silence came. Then, Jaxie said, “I have a comment.” She said that Patrick’s performance brought her to silence. She said, “I said to Curt, ‘How does he do it?’” She noted that the silence after his performance at lunch yesterday was the first real silence she had heard on the course. The room was quiet. Another comment was also given about the silence. Finally, when the silence ended, I was able to eat my breakfast. The oatmeal was good. My coffee was cold. I should have accepted Tom R’s offer for more coffee – next time—I will take it. My hardboiled egg was fine not hard to peel – great! This means I cooked them well. I sat across the table from Curt. Then the meal was over. I wanted to sit and enjoy my thoughts, but I got up to help restore the kitchen instead. That went well eventually, but it all begun in a swirl. We had three beginners who were semi-pulled into a tense meeting with the other beginners. They all resisted and chose to serve the community and help with restoration. Yay Jim, Andy, and Paul! After breakfast, I had time and relaxed, talked with TS (I think), and signed up for a time with Martin. There was a meeting with the TTA team to figure out our plans for the afternoon. We were talking Brad and SBC, then bringing back Ingrid. Before coming in for lunch, I rifled around in my bag of stuff for my guitar. I couldn’t find my notebook there. I decided to let that go and head to a seat. But, after sitting down, I felt that I should really make sure that I find my notebook rather than leaving it about. So, I went on a walkabout of the porch and found it. I brought it in to the dining hall and placed it under my chair and ate lunch. Something good came of this incident because RF began to speak of the performance principles and I was able to capture the whole discussion as best I could by taking notes. My notes: There is a transition between being offstage and being onstage. There are 6 principles of performance. When people get together, something is possible. Pay attention to the beginning, end, and middle. Each performance is unique and has a life/identify of its own. The creation continues to be created [the performance space: (1) define it, (2) prepare the space, (3) protect the space, (4) enter the space, (5) intention to play the first note; call upon the muse – we can play the notes, but we cannot play music –“organized sound”; before we begin, recognize our place; hold the space for music to enter. The principles: (1) What takes place is beyond expectation – new something, (2) Things go better than we anticipate and better than we deserve, (3) The event takes on a life of its own (it is a novel creation), (4) Every performance is a multiplicity of performances, (5) The possible is possible (the possible is protected from the impossible), (6) The impossible is possible (the impossible is protected from the possible), (7) this principle is invisible and “not talked about” – it speaks its name only in silence. We gathered at 2:45 PM around the vans and cars and stood in the very hot sun acknowledging our departure. RF was there and he, smartly, got a place in the shade. Then, we left with an aim to do a limb rotation on the quarter hour. I found this very helpful throughout the rest of the day. We took SBC and Brad along with us and were to bring back Ingrid. We had an aim to send good wishes to the performers on the course at 9:30 PM. I rode in a van with Igor A driving, Chris G as shotgun, and with Alex K, Ian, and TS. A nice drive. A while of setting up and all performers participating in that. I wrote out the performance principles before finally stopping to eat after most everyone one else had had their food. Just before circling up, I changed my top to Barbara Z’s creation and presented that. Barbara Z was there to enjoy the show. I felt a little off … too much food before the show? Folks were tired, but when it all began it was great. I could hear it was great or at least I had the feeling that the performers were in a great space…that I wasn’t needed that much. I kept to the quarter hour attention exercise and noticed that one “ding” came as there was a moment of tuning. JB initiated for the first time that The Bus Artist is a sing-a-long. The audience became part of the show and an obvious contributing force of goodwill. Then, BW turned to JB to begin Twilight and a large blast was heard outside. I heard JB remark that she had forgotten the chord…she said this to the audience, then stated, “Isn’t that crazy?” I quickly went to the door to peek out. There was a glorious pink glow on the streets as the sun was setting and the wind was blowing, some leaves rushed down the streets. Then, the show was back on its feet, we were breaking down, and heading “home” with intention. Arrival to Raft Island was marked by multiple, yummy desserts and chips and many salsas. I had visions that it would have been nice to have a dance party and actually dance to Little Gangsters for once, but that vision was hard to realize since I was pooped and there was no other energy to spare for getting that going. Friday, June 5th Breakfast and an incredibly long discussion of the previous nights events. TG was not doing well and falling sleep at the table. Eventually he sat over in the intermediate zone. We spent quite a while hearing about the twice-through performance by the beginners. It sounded pretty entertaining with perhaps one group performing a listenable song that wavered in tempo nonetheless. One duo sent TR running out of the chapel in a screaming fit. This act, done twice, was out of alignment with his aim to not bring attention to himself, but everyone seemed glad for it. Then, TTA got a chance to speak about its experience. I had an urge to say something. Usually, when this happens, I have the right kind of energy to say what I need to say and what I have to say seems to have some value that is bigger than me. But, this time, the energy came and vanished as soon as I spoke. Not such a great feeling, so I stopped speaking, then tried again later only to have myself get lost in words again. Oh well. There was a funny moment when RF reiterated my statement--complete with waving hands--of seeing “the wind and the leaves” outside of the performance space. Humbled, the day continued on. I was recruited for lunch which began a bit chaotically because we were behind schedule. I was washing lots of lettuce with AK and he made a statement about the TTA performance to which I began to respond. And that elicited from an overseeing PS – “How much conversation needs to happen when lettuce is being washed?” I blurted out, “None.” And we all got quiet. Then, PS realized that we had too many cooks in the kitchen and I was moved to dinner detail. Having been so chatty at lunch, I decided to sit in a place where there was no one to speak to really…that happened to be near the head table. We had a great artichoke-lemony soup. The TTA team performed Kashmir and I discovered that I could watch at least four accomplished musicians-listeners of music hear this piece. I felt that I could learn something from watching them hear this music--if I learned something from watching, I imagine it will come to me in some way that is inexplicable, but it was a pleasure to watch them enjoy this music, especially a song that I have heard quite a bit. I showed up for dinner and we made something—TS and Ingrid were there. I did the salads and helped with the setup. The main course was a stirfry. We served it all family style. Folks were visiting and announcements went on a for a while. Then, during a racy cleanup—merch was sold. We got is all done in time for the final meeting. The only real mishap was that we left a large bag of garbage out for the local animals to enjoy and pick through. For the final meeting, I decided to not speak, but did anyway. It seemed a good thing to say – to quote that “help is always available.” TG was still ill throughout the meeting and eventually went off in a corner and began to snore during our afterwards logistical meeting. And that was that. Saturday, June 6th Up early to do breakfast. We noted the large mess due to the left out garbage. T. Redmond took care of that no problem (as he was already primed for such large clean ups due to a previous incident.)We gave the last piece of cheesecake to RF. I was head chef. All eggs became scrambled. I had two beginners to work with. We used up most everything. Then, I worked in the kitchen and spent a good part of the morning trying to unload our leftovers. That was pretty successful. Before noon, we were done and off. Our small caravan of cars stopped at Starbucks for coffee and snacks. Then, home. A nap. Then, out to a local Chinese place for dinner. I wore my new skirt a la B. Zimmerman. The food was super great and ordered by Lance in Chinese. Stories from the course were shared. Then, still in a jolly mood, we went over to the Fiddler’s Inn for more drink and such. It was all good and nice to meet the woman who support the Zesty Enterprise. Sunday, June 7th Much sleep and still in pj’s at 3 PM.
Thursday, June 18th, 2009
2:26 pm	June 18, 2009 Awake too early, but a good day so far Woken this morning by a sound that must stop. The leaf-blower guy was at it again. I ran from window to window trying to see my way around Ballard, to see the location of the horrible noise and its noise maker. Finally, I spotted him in a nearby parking lot. He was blowing bits around. TS got up too and he saw that the guy was legit – he’s a parking lot cleaner person. I felt better about having identified the problem. Hopefully, there’s a way to get rid of it (the problem)... I may have to wait until next week to see if it is a regular thing. But, I want to get in touch with people right away. Then, back to bed with the leaf blower noise replaced by the sound of the vacuum truck (audible even with the windows closed). Soon, back to sleep. Up for the sitting. Caught the bus. Hike to CG’s place. Felt a need to apologize for an off hand comment last night. But, by the time the sitting happened, tea, and the lesson began…and I did that, CG said that he hadn’t heard the comment, and when I told him, he said, “It sounds like something I would say.” So, I felt much better. A good lesson with many apologies from me for being slow to absorb info. Then, to Diana’s for our new combo of Pilates with Spanish lessons. We talked awhile before that over coffee. Then, thanks to D, I caught the bus right in time and made it home to begin the work day. Another TTA day and I seem to be on top of my projects. This week began with two goodnesses that are still in progress. For one, I began my new business which involves selling unique lockets designed by me and my collaborator WJD. Please buy one! If you are curious, send me an email at mb@abellockets.com.
Tuesday, June 9th, 2009
7:15 pm	June 9, 2009 Sitting, Teeth, and Wading through a Nice Day I was very tired getting up today. But, made it to the zip car and then to CG’s for the sitting. And then made it to my dentist appointment. I have clean teeth. I have no cavities. I have new do-dads to shove between my molars to extract gunk. Then, I went to the market and bought provisions – OJ and such. Slowly I was waking up and working on being super-alert while driving (not wanting a repeat-360 performance in a vehicle). Safe and sound at last and lugged the bags up to TS’s place. Unloaded and we had breakfast with fresh cherries. Then, I got to work and had a one-hour phone call. The beginning of a project is speedily moving toward progress and assigning tasks. Work and tiredness led to a nap. Then, a phone call. And then Tom R disembarked from my apartment. All looked good to me. He showed me a switch that changes the way the fan blows – so that it blows the air down. Good to know! After we got him in the rather bright and shiny cab, I watered my plants, admired my little apartment, took out the garbage, and too the linens back to TS’s for washing. Now, I’m here. I think tonight I should tackle getting a Wash. business license and a trademark. I’m procrastinating. I also should diarize the course and play guitar. But, I feel very sluggish and procrastinative there too. Bleh! Last night was my last editing class! I have successfully completed a 9-month program. Yeah! Instead of the graduation, I’m going to the David Byrne concert. Two weeks from now – lots of stuff – David Byrne on Wed, last TTA show of the season on Thurs, the Planets on Friday, then a June-July open circle. Then, I think I will have TS take me to Mt. Rainier. It’s time to see the volcano!
Sunday, June 7th, 2009
11:04 pm	June 7, 2009 Back from Craft Island Sundays after Guitar Craft courses are somewhat of an undoing of all the good work – your body does not want to move. And so TS and I slept in a really long time. But, I should say that last night we ensured that we would do this by going out with the locals and some course participants and their better halves. We ate a lot, had wine, and talked and laughed. So, sleeping in was partly because of that. We were first at a Chinese joint with large round tables. Lots of food that kept coming. Then, a group of us went to the Fiddler’s Inn and that led to some filling-in stories regarding my recent history. Then, a group of us formed a circle outside and capped off the evening with more stories. Staying together past our time in the bar long enough to need to run back in to use the bathroom. And today—Sunday—after sleeping in—the day has been really nice. TS made a pile of pancakes. I caught up on email in my pajamas. Did laundry, folded it. Then, TS and I connected with Tom Redmond to give him an iron to iron his work clothes for the week. He’s staying at Chez MB and has a few gigs in town for Monday and Tuesday. We made dinner plans with him. The walk about post the iron hand-off to Tom resulted in my reception of my business license at my business PO Box! Tom, TS, and I met up for dinner at 7 PM. Tom told us all about his process for sales--this is what he shares with the world as a means to make his living. Then, some ice cream. Then, a recap of a tale that will go down as executive-level Level T.
Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
10:58 pm	May 26, 2009 Trying to stay on the diarizing bandwagon A nice nighttime in Seattle. No coats weather. Yeah! I have showered and communed with my fountain of youth. Drinking wine (not sure that’s a good or bad part of the regime). A longish day of sitting, work, eating, etc and then going to my bellydance class. It’s hard to not do this…its always pretty fun. And as with everything else I do, I wish I could be better than I am or at least faster at getting better. More bus trekking. Getting ready for the Raft Island course. Wondering about how to conserve and not hemorrhage my energy during the course. I’m reading a C.S. Lewis book, one of three…with a guy name Ransome. Interesting so far. The part where he meets this black water creature is really well-told. I suppose I’ll get a hang on the title soon enough. My guitar playing got better last night I think…at least when it comes to EotN…and that was thanks to GM and his patience.
Saturday, May 23rd, 2009
9:00 am	May 23 spring in Seattle It’s nice and springy in Seattle. When I catch the bus and walk 10 minutes to CG’s for the sitting most mornings, it’s a short adventure in flowering plants. There’s one house on the way that totally mystifies me. I’ve concluded it’s the home of an obsessive compulsive—since I think someone does live there although its so perfectly put together (down to the last blade of grass and what looks like a permanently fake and pristine roll of newspaper on the front porch, it looks like movie set). Anyway, today is Saturday and the place around her is tidy as TS’s sister and brother in law will get to see things for the first time. Need to head to the abbey for a meeting about the upcoming course. Then guitar, then Star Trek. Then, maybe somewhat of a grilling party at TM’s. Other things to talk about that I will forget to do. The man who said "Don't breath on my neck." on the bus or did I already talk about that? Yesterday, he was eating fritos on the bus, and the bus smelled that way. My little new business will begin June 14. Things are cooking. I just finished copyediting a 300-page, 100,000 word manuscript (a fictional story) set in India. A mix of American stuff, British stuff, and Hindi stuff--wild. It took a long time to do.